Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

1. The lawyer's client paid her $300 bill in cash. The lawyer noticed that two bills were stuck together, and she had actually given him $400. He faced an immediate ethical question: Should he keep the extra $100, or should he split it with his partner?

2. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.

3. Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
   A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

4. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

5. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

6. Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
   A: Not enough cement.

7. Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
   A: Skeet.

8. Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
   A: His partners.

9. Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
   A: Taller.

10. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

11. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    A: Removable wingtips.

12. Q: Why did God make snakes before lawyers?
    A: To practice.

13. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

14. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do...?

    Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

15. A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

    He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".

    "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

    "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

    The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

    "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."